I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.
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Words Women Use...
FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they
are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how
a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those
arguments.
FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that
your football game is going to last before you take out the trash,
so it's an even trade.
NOTHING
This means "something", and you should be on your toes. "Nothing"
is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to
turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. 'Nothing" usually
signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with
'Fine'
GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over
Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"
GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care"
You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes,
followed by Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about
"Five Minutes" when she cools off.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often
misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an
idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time
standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"
SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean
that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and
she will stay content.
THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make
to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard
before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done.
"That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction
with a "Raised Eyebrow.
GO AHEAD
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some
mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the
chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing
whatever it is that you have done.You have a fair chance with the
truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're
welcome.
THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A
Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you
have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the
"Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud
Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"
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Quick
Wit!
Two guys were
discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu
said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"
Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"
A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all
of my intelligence come from?" The father replied, "Well son, you
must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine."
"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce
court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,"
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now
and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I
don't like the looks of your wife at all." "Me neither doc," said
the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the
kids."
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse
he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says,
"Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used
to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I
now pronounce you man and wife."
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Subject: First
Exam
I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam. His
new nurse, Elaine, took me to an examining room and told me to get
undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me. She said
that he would only be a few minutes.
After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. While
waiting I observed that there were three items on a stand next to
the exam table: a Tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a
beer.
When the doctor finally came in I said, "Look Doc, I'm a little
confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I
know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is
for?"
At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to
the door.
He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse.......
“Darn it ELAINE!!!!!!!!!!!
I said a BUTT
LIGHT"
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Airline
Humor
After every
flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet which conveys
to the mechanics any problems encountered with the aircraft during
the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and
correct the problem and then respond in writing on the lower half
of the form what remedial action was taken and the pilot reviews
the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense
of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and
problems as submitted by Qantas
pilots and the
solution recorded by maintenance engineers:
By the way,
Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an
accident.
P = The problem
logged by the pilot.
S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number three engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be
serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
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The Georgia Vasectomy Method
After having
their eleventh child, a North Georgia Mountain couple decided that
11 was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the
husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't
want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy
that could fix the problem, but it was expensive.
"A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a
cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in the North Georgia Mountains),
light it, put it in an empty beer can, then hold the can up to your
ear and count to 10."
The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in
the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can
next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me," said the doctor.
So the hillbilly went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer
can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count, "1, 2, 3, 4,
5..."
At this point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and
resumed counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Kentucky, West Virginia, Arkansas,
Louisiana, and parts of Mississippi and Alabama.